More Adventures with a Narcissist
I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse.
I believe my interest in personal development stems from the fact I have had so many toxic relationships.
And I have played my part in them.
We all have blind spots and we go on repeating the same patterns again and again until we learn the lesson.
For those who know my story, you will have read my previous experience with a Narcissist. If not, you can read about it HERE.
During this time I lost a lot of money, weight and self-esteem. This period, while very difficult, ultimately led to my empowerment and freedom.
But not without a few tests along the way.
Last year it came as a surprise that ANOTHER narcissist entered my life.
My initial reaction? FFS UNIVERSE. ARE YOU HAVING A LAUGH?
It’s possible, as the universe does have a pretty sick sense of humour.
But after navigating the waters and reaching dry land safely, I realise that this was actually THE TEST.
THE TEST
If you haven´t heard of THE TEST, then let me explain how it works.
The Test is the universe’s way of checking that you have really learnt the lesson you claim to have learnt.
Not just a little bit.
I mean that you have FULLY INTEGRATED its teachings so that you can say “I am cured of attracting that type of experience into my life again”.
For me THE TEST came in December 2021.
Here’s how it happened.
I met a guy. We were both into music, rituals & healing.
I thought “great”.
But VERY early on I started to notice strange behaviour and SERIOUS overstepping of boundaries.
I mean SERIOUS overstepping.
I questioned whether or not I should divulge the following information since it is definitely too much information.
But for those who know me, I love an overshare.
And I’m sure I am not the first or last woman this will have happened to.
So I share with a 40% rate of embarrassment but also a 60% desire that it enables you to spot red flags very early on.
THE DISRESPECT BEGINS
This man (let’s call him Hank) disrespected me the very first time we slept together.
I thought the following sentence was clear enough:
“Please don’t ejaculate inside of me”.
But I was wrong.
As he started to come he said “I can’t have babies”.
As if that was justification for ignoring my boundary.
And with that said, he thought it convenient to fire his semen all the way up inside of me.
I was in shock, as you can imagine.
But I didn´t say anything in the moment.
Why not?
Because I blamed myself for not having being clear enough.
I thought I was the problem.
When I later found the power to bring it up, he apologised.
It was a genuine apology. And as I saw his ability to listen and make amends, I put it in the balance bank.
THE BALANCE BANK.
If you haven´t heard of the balance bank, then I think you are going to find it very useful..
This has served me wisely ever since I learnt of the concept.
The Balance Bank is a form of analysis my psychotherapist, Pilar, taught me for when you are getting to know someone.
When you are in the “Eros”, falling-in-love stage, it’s easy to let things slip and put the person on a pedestal.
In this stage you think everything they do is wonderful and it’s easy to ignore red flags.
To keep yourself grounded and alert in this moment, the Balance Bank helps you keep track of everything.
The aim is not to store things up to later hold against the other. But rather to be AWARE and not to lose sight of the things you dislike as well as the things you like.
That way you can never lose yourself in the falling-in-love stage because you are witnessing it all.
Regarding my own Balance Bank, it clearly wasn’t great that the first behavioural concern was weighted heavily on the negative side.
But wanting to discern rather than judge, I allowed the process to unfold so I could clearly see what was happening.
Hank did have many positives. He was attentive and took good care of me. He cooked well and was available for me whenever I needed.
But after a few days of seeing each other I noticed another negative check in the Bank Balance.
Hank had left a toothbrush at mine without asking me. Then a scarf.
Something inside of me didn´t feel comfortable with this.
Now am I saying that his behaviour was all bad and mine was perfect?
No.
Every time there was an issue, I didn’t communicate it in the moment. I swallowed it down and let it fester.
That isn’t good.
But even so, at this point in the relationship it became clear to me that when I DID communicate it was not being received. I also saw that he was constantly overstepping my boundaries.
I didn’t see a future for us.
And so I told him.
I assumed because it was commnunicated that it would be understood….
But once again I was sadly mistaken.
FROM BAD TO WORSE
It was around 2 weeks after we met that I shared that with him I didn’t see a future. I suggested if he wanted to have a casual romantic adventure with me then I was open to that.
He said he understood.
But the next week he started demanding that I message him as soon as I woke up.
He told me how he made me a priority and tried to make me feel guilty because I not doing the same with him.
I didn’t understand. I thought that telling him I didn’t see a future was clear enough.
It was frustrating.
Why were the boundaries I was constantly setting not getting through?
What was I doing wrong?!
It didn’t get any better. Only worse.
Soon the questions started coming about why I had the “message read” sign turned off on my whatsapp…
He started making me feel guilty about every action and decision that I took to protect myself.
When I spoke about male friends his energy would change and he would ask me if I has been with them.
After a month and a half things hit an all time low.
I went to Colombia for 10 days and if I didn’t check in with him he would get very angry and confrontational.
When I reminded him we were not in a relationship he told me he was doing it from love. “Wouldn’t you worry if I was away and didn’t reply to you?”
Erm…no. No I wouldn’t.
The purpose of this journey to Colombia was for healing but somehow he was making it all about him.
I recognised that his behaviour was too much and I asked for space so that I could focus on the work I was there to do.
Did he respect that?
No.
He completely ignored my request for space, sending me songs every morning. He would alternate between apologies and blame when I didn’t reply.
I felt like there was no escape from this man.
It was asphyxiating.
By this time I was reading the signs.
But because his behaviour alternated between extreme control and extreme humility, I still thought that maybe he just needed more reassurance from me.
Looking back, a part of me blamed myself for his extreme reactions.
This is a typical response between narcissist- empath. The empath blames themselves and the narcissist blames them too.
THE FINAL NAIL IN THE COFFIN
By this time I was seeing many red flags. But the final nail in the coffin came after a weekend away for his birthday.
During the weekend away he told me how he was going to speak with the doctor to see if he could reverse the fact he couldn’t have children.
We had been seeing each other for 3 months…
We had never spoken about having children together…
On the way home we stopped in a forest for some forest bathing and we got onto the conversation of a romantic night I had spent with someone the year before.
He went ballistic, saying that I had deliberately hidden information from him.
I felt very uncomfortable but as he was driving us home, I felt I had to stay in the car.
When we got home he offered me a massage to make amends (…!)
But the oscillation between extremes continued.
As he was massaging me suddenly he exploded “you’re so selfish. You’re lost in your own world and are not even thinking about me. You haven’t even noticed that my hand’s hurting”.
This was becoming a common occurrence. To offer me something and then use that against me to make me feel guilty and selfish.
This was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
The illusions were shattered.
Finally, the clarity had arrived.
I wasn’t safe to be with him.
The very next day I ended it.
And so began the next ordeal…
THE BREAK UP
“You broke up with me just for that?!”
“You never loved me”
“You played with my emotions”
He was genuinely shocked and unable to see how his behaviour had caused any of this.
Instead he turned it all round on me as he had done the whole relationship.
But by this time his words couldn’t touch me.
Because I recognised he was mentally unbalanced.
There is one thing I have learnt about narcissists. They are unable to accept that there may be parts of their behaviours that is narcissistic.
That is why it’s best not to use labels when explaining to them: because they use the label to turn it around on you.
“YOU are the narcissist”.
When he said this to me, I took it to my psychologist.
Was I the one who had been out of line?
She reassured me that if someone calls you a narcissist, and you are able to consider that it might be true, then you can rule it out.
In fact, it´s likely that you are an EMPATH, and that you ATTRACT narcissists because of your kind, gentle nature.
I feel fortunate to have escaped relatively unscathed.
I just receive the occasional message laced with judgement and blame from time to time.
But that only serves as a reminder that I am well out of that situation.
From this whole adventure I learnt the following about entering a new relationship with someone:
❌Your intuition is never wrong
❌If someone oversteps your boundary the first time you have sex, run a mile.
❌If you boundary is overstepped again and again, what the hell are you doing staying in that relationship?
❌ the way someone criticises others behind their back is the way they will criticise you behind your back. You’re not special
❌ breaking up with a narcissist is an ordeal in itself, but stay strong. When the torrent of abuse starts coming, just smile and wave 🙋🏼♀️
TO CONCLUDE
And so, that concludes my adventures with narcissists.
…I hope…
Even though it was tough, and I doubted myseld a lot of the time (am I really a bad person?!), ultimately it led to my empowerment.
When you’re lonely you are more likely to take breadcrumbs of love.
Especially if you have never experienced what healthy love is.
When you are truly happy on your own, you will NEVER AGAIN associate with people who make you feel worse.
If you are currently in a narcissistic relationship then I have news.
That person is not going to change. Even though they are very good at persuading you that they are.
But YOU are able to change.
And remember:
–It is NOT OK to be disrespected.
–It is NOT OK to stay in a relationship that is sapping your energy and your light.
Healthy love BUILDS YOU UP. It doesn’t knock you down.
I have also learnt something else through my years of narcissistic abuse.
It’s something my psychotherapist and I disagree on.
It’s the question of whether or not you should say something as an outsider.
She believes there is no point telling someone they are with a narcissist because they won’t be able to receive it.
They may even turn against you because they are being so manipulated.
I hear this a lot in spiritual circles too.
“Everyone is on their journey.”
BULLSHIT.
If we really care for others and if we really want to fight the darkness that is so potent in the world right now, I believe we have a duty to SPEAK OUT.
If we want to heal the world, then it starts in our communities.
It starts with our friends. With our families.
It is our DUTY.
I am grateful to my dad when he expressed his concern for me during my abusive relationship in 2021. His words eventually helped me see clarity.
That’s why I always make a point now of telling my friends and family when they are being disrespected.
What would be the point of suffering all these years if I am then unable to pay it forward?
Yes it’s scary.
But being rooted in your own truth is EMPOWERING.
And my inner child is held, as I am now the friend that I needed during my own years of abuse.
I hope this newsletter was helpful to you.
If you have been or are in a similar situation, I would love to hear from you.
Wishing you a beautiful weekend.
Love from Abbey xxx