How Imposter Syndrome transformed my life

It was May 2018.

I was sitting 21 floors above the beach in my swanky Barcelona office.

Midway through interviewing a candidate for a role within our company, my imposter syndrome was rearing its ugly head.

It didn’t make sense.

I had a great job.

I lived in a great city.

I had a great social life.

So why was I feeling so uncomfortable?

I’d experienced a similar feeling a few times in my life. But there was something extra toe curling about this particular occasion.

This discomfort quickly began getting worse.

And the more I tried to hide it, the stronger it began.

During the interview I started to feel very uncomfortable. I began to sweat. I felt my face getting redder and redder.

I could hear the clock ticking and wondered why this interview was taking so long.

The tone of my own voice was higher than usual and sounded ridiculous.

I hoped the candidate couldn’t tell that I was a fraud and didn’t know what I was talking about.

Were my sentences even making sense?

I knew that the the head of IT who was sitting in on the interview thought I couldn’t do my job.

Fast forward 15 minutes.

As the interview ended, the Head of IT came up to me, smiled and said “great find, Abbey. Let’s hire him.”

I felt relieved that I had managed to survive a moment longer without being discovered for the fake I really was.

It felt surreal that my experience of the interview had been so different from his.

The whole situation made my toes curl up.

HOW DID HE NOT NOTICE?!

This disparity between what I and others experienced in the same moment is what finally made me go and see a psychologist.

What is Imposter Syndrome?

If you have ever experienced Imposter Syndrome, then you will have felt the hot cloud of shame flood your insides.

It is a debilitating condition that causes great anxiety. It doesn’t allow you to recognise your own abilities and success, despite being high-performing on the outside. This condition often leaves you feeling like a “fraud” or a “fake”, terrified of being “found out”.

The pain of that May time experience left me feeling

disconnected

hyper vigilant

anxious

worthless

I had no idea that it is a common experience that happens to many people.

If I had known that perhaps I wouldn’t have thought there was something wrong with me.

Giving voice to my Imposter Syndrome

Imposter Syndrome is tightly bound with shame.

Shame gets us by the jugular, by going for the most vulnerable parts of us.

Since shame is a controlling device, we will do anything to avoid feeling that shame. Including pretending the thing that is shaming us doesn’t exist.

This is why it is so hard to talk about.

I thought that if I gave voice to it, it would become more REAL.

When in reality, the opposite was true.

By SPEAKING about it, I was able to loosen its grip over me.

What’s more, I realised that this “Imposter Syndrome” is a completely normal reaction for someone living a life not meant for them.

It’s a response to being in an environment that goes against ones values, health and emotions. (You can read about the consequences of working a job I was never aligned with in my previous newsletter here.)

And not only that, but that in fact Imposter Syndrome is a SUPER POWER.

Say what?!

Yes, that’s right, a super power.

I saw clearly how Imposter Syndrome was my body showing me the way.

It was physically reacting to what deep down wasn’t right for me.

And if I didn’t listen…my body just started screaming louder and louder until I did.

This was a game changer!

As I started to follow my internal compass, I began to learn so much about myself.

–I work better alone…so why was I working in an office?

–I am incredibly creative… so why was I working at a computer with an excel?

— I am an achiever (according to the Gallup strength finder – buy the book with built in assessment here) so why would I work for a company that caps my achievement?

As I started to unlearn my conditioning, I began to discard so many ideas that had prevented me from accessing my true north

That the only “right” job was working 0900-0500

That having a stable income was the most important

That it was safer to work for somebody else rather than myself.

And when I realised none of that was true I realised we´ve been lied to.

I mean, how “right” is a job that makes you question your mental stability?

How “safe” it is working for a company that can fire you at any minute?

How “stable” is an income from a company that may make cuts whenever they please?

Moving on from Corporate

In February 2020 I made the decision to leave corporate to follow my dream of becoming a Coach.

I enrolled in a Masters in Leadership, Emotional Intelligence & Coaching at EAE Business School.

At this point I had not even considered that music would be an equally big part of my path.

But as the cage started coming off and my wings started unfurling, things became clearer.

My passions started to show themselves.

But I want to be real about this change.

It wasn’t easy.

—I hated my Coaching Masters at EAE Business School and didn´t feel connected with the heavy focus on business content or the people.

—My under-active thyroid and Hashimoto’s Autoimmune Disease were causing me major issues. I was feeling confused, exhausted and hostile towards everyone.

—I started going out with a Narcissistic partner who persuaded me to let him manage my money. Investing in crypto and Anahata, I lost hundreds of thousands of euros.

But I believed in a better life than the one I was leaving behind.

I believed in waking up every day feeling energised, clear headed and eager to get on with my day.

I believed in starting my day not feeling like an Imposter in my own life.

I believed in getting paid even more than corporate by working for myself and doing what I love.

And so I made a commitment to myself.

The Committment

When I first started my Singing Circles in Barcelona only 3 people came.

But I showed up every week, because I believed that with consistency and passion I could create the life of my dreams.

I had a vision of the life I wanted. I had clarity on the purpose I was here to unfold. I stuck to both of those things.

I invested tens of thousands of euros in my own self development.

From Coaching, to Psychotherapy, to Tony Robbins, to Plant Medicine, to Biodescodification, to Sound Healing.

All this so that I could break away from the chains of what I believed was possible.

So I could create a life that was deeply fulfilling.

Some days I doubted.

Some days I got so distracted.

Some days I thought I’d never get there.

But remembering the pain of my Imposter Syndrome and what it had taught me kept me going.

And so I continued. Step by step.

And the result?

—I have recorded an album!! (i had to put exclamation marks because the old Abbey would never ever have dreamed this)

—I have moved to the countryside

—I have created a thriving coaching business

—I work with aligned clients who are seeing huge transformation in their lives

—My relationship with my family is better than ever

—My 3 passion – music, medicine and coaching has become an ecosystem that feed itself.

—I work from anywhere I want.

—And most importantly, I am happy.

Does this mean my life is sorted?

Absolutely not.

I am still working to forgive my narcissistic ex partner.

I have severe PMS and want to kill everything and everything in my sight for around a week a month

I still have moments of doubt & insecurity becuase I’m HUMAN.

But I know that the best way to move through those is to continue working towards my goals – to take the next smallest step in order to move the needle.

To Summarise

Life is not easy. But it’s a great deal easier when you are living your passion.

It’s hard to commit daily to your own growth. It’s a hell of a lot harder not to.

It’s scary to invest money in your own self development. It’s much scarier to feel regret 10 years down the line.

You have to believe in a life that you really want to live.

You have to believe in how you really want to feel.

You have to believe that you can find what it is that you are on this planet to do.

Because when you find it your whole life changes.

If you suffer from Imposter Syndrome and are ready to transform it into a super power, then here are 3 easy steps you can take today:

1) Write down in which situations you feel like an Imposter. Allow yourself to really feel the discomfort. 

2) Write down where you are not being authentic with yourself. Something makes you feel like an Imposter because you are PRETENDING. What are you pretending?

3) If you didn’t have to pretend anymore, what would you rather be doing? If you are unsure ask yourself “what would my friends say I am very picky with?”

I hope this newsletter inspired you to leave behind what causes you harm and suffering and move towards what you know deep down you are here to do.

Love from Abbey xxx

p.s. – if you want support to step into your power, passion and purpose, I have a few spots open to work with 1-on-1 clients so get in touch and let’s schedule a time to talk.