The truth about becoming a first time mum
You may know me as a purpose coach.
But since I became a mum out here in the Sacred Valley of Peru, the word purpose has taken on a whole new significance.
As I write this, I am sitting on my sofa, typing with one finger, expressing milk with the other and rocking the baby with my foot.
TALK ABOUT MULTI TASKING!
As a first time mum, I have so many questions.
Like why on earth didn’t I invest in hands free breast pump?!
For many years I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be a mum.
I didn’t particularly feel the call.
I wasn’t a fan of little kids and I loved my lifestyle of globetrotting, ceremonial work and singing.
The focus had always been on ME.
I wasn’t sure if I had the motivation or the capacity to bring up a baby!
GETTING PREGNANT
I’m not going to tell you HOW I got pregnant…(although it’s the same way any Thomasina, Ricarda or Henrietta did so).
When I fell pregnant, I couldn’t believe it.
Part of me felt that because my ovulation stick had NEVER shown I was ovulating, that I wouldn’t be able to conceive.
Nilton and I aimed to start trying for a baby in February.
And lo and behold, in February I got pregnant.
(That Ayahuasca seed be strongggg.)
I felt pretty rough the first trimester.
But by the time T2 came around I was LOVING it.
I felt like the best version of myself.
Food tasted better
Sex felt better
My creativity was at an all time high.
I understood why people said they loved being pregnant.
And I was surfing the wave.
THE CHANGE
I’m an achiever.
I don’t say that to be big headed.
What I mean is that according to the Gallup Strength Finder test, “achiever” is one of my top 5 strengths.
You can check your strengths out here: https://www.gallup.com/cliftonstrengths/en/254033/strengthsfinder.aspx
I LOVE getting stuff done.
I salivate for a task.
And I love ticking it off my to do list with great gusto.
This is why when T3 came around…it was a SHOCK.
Suddenly, I wasn’t able to DO as much.
I felt exhausted.
I was slowed down from my ravenous productivity with the need for a siesta after lunch.
And what’s more…
—People’s company exhausted me.
—I wasn’t able to focus on a conversation.
—I wanted to hide rather than make my funny videos on insta.
And this was hard for me.
Suddenly I was working at 30% capacity.
And there was nothing I could do about it.
Of course, this all makes sense in the grand scheme of things.
When I got myself out of the way, I could see that it was SUPPOSED to be like this.
This was nature’s way of preparing me.
This was the body’s way of showing me what was to come.
THE INITIATION
My birth was super beautiful…albeit long (26 hours labouring!!)
I realised the thing I had feared my whole life turned out to be way more uneventful than I thought.
And left me feeling super empowered.
And on a high for days.
And in awe of women’s bodies
I could go on…
After the birth, all wrapped up with my baby Luna, I was happy to see that she slept really well the first night.
I was like “great, this is going to be easy”
But NO NO NO…
Little did I realise I was being lulled into a false sense of security.
Babies usually sleep well the first night because they are exhausted from the birth.
Reality didn’t hit home until the second night…when THE INITIATION began.
Up all night.
Zero sleep.
No idea what I was doing.
Is she even eating?!
Whole body aching.
Haemorrhoids in every hole.
Bleeding.
They call it the postpartum trenches for a reason.
There is nothing that can prepare you for it.
There is no one that can warn you about it.
You just have to EXPERIENCE it.
And it is f**king INTENSE.
I felt like I had suddenly joined the secret mum’s club.
No one tells you about what it’s like before you join…
…and for good reason…
BECAUSE OTHERWISE YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO JOIN!!!
I had no idea how PAINFUL breastfeeding would be.
That my nipples would have to blister snd scab over (all the while continuing to feed her) before they would eventually harden up…after about 4 weeks.
Every time she would latch on my face would wince up in pain.
I honestly think the pain of first-time breastfeeding is worse than childbirth.
At least contractions are tolerable if you focus on your breath.
But the pain of my beloved minion latching her pirhana jaws onto my poor boobs was way too much.
(How do newborns have such a strong suck?!)
The first time I went to the bathroom it was like a murder scene.
Nor did I have any idea that I would bleed for five weeks after childbirth! These are things you don’t learn about in biology class.
You tell another momma you’re pregnant.
“Oh wowww. Congratulations. It’s going to be so beautiful.”
LIES.
Yes, the baby shower was beautiful.
Yes, the pics of my beach photoshoot looked great on Instagram.
But the reality was that those photos showed a reality a world away from what I was currently experiencing.
Up at midnight with a screaming baby, wondering if she was even getting any sustenance, sending my partner out to find formula in the middle of the night because I thought I had no milk (I actually did, and in great supply…I just wasn’t trusting my body), staining the sheets every time I sat on my bed, suffering recurrent mastitis, hormones all over the place and doubting my own reality.
IS THIS IT!?
I remember once, at the start of my healing journey, sitting at my office desk, feeling underwhelmed by life and thinking “IS THIS IT!?”
Fast forward 8 years, and I suddenly found myself deep in the postpartum trenches asking myself the exact same question. “IS THIS IT?”
Just this time, instead of underwhelm, it was the abject OVERWHELM of “IS THIS IT?!
“IS THIS HOW MY LIFE IS GOING TO BE FROM NOW ON?!”
A part of me was thinking…what have I done?!
Now, I have only told you one side of the story.
Because, like with anything in life, things are not just black or white.
And nature has a way of making even the most difficult situations very bearable.
Which is why all of this is coupled with the HUGE AMOUNT OF LOVE I feel for my daughter.
The first few weeks I remember staring at her and crying from sheer love.
Crying from the fierce desire I had to protect her.
Feeling her innocence, and the innocence of all children everywhere.
Connecting with the anguish of the parents of the babies in Gaza who don’t have any food to give them.
Looking at her chubby little face and thinking “I just want to bite into you, you’re so cute!”
The conflicting feelings that come up are REAL.
GRIEF AND GRATITUDE.
Grief for the woman and life I have left behind
YET
Gratitude for the blessing that has just come into my life.
EXHAUSTION AND DRIVE
Exhaustion from the sleepless nights
YET
Drive and a deep limitless well of energy to look after this tiny little soul that depends on me to survive.
DESPAIR AND HOPE
Despair when I’ve tried everything and she’s sill screaming her lungs off for the 3rd hour straight
YET
Hope that I now have a companion for life
Not to mention the changing relationship with my partner
It used to be just me and him.
Now it’s me, my baby and him.
We both have an idea of how we want to parent.
Many parts can be aligned. And many parts not.
And it’s not that either party is RIGHT.
They are simply differences of perspective, culture and belief systems to be navigated together.
In my case…
I’m from the North of England.
The bitingly cold winters have hardened our folk to the meteorological perils of the cold, dark North.
(Well, I don’t know if that counts for me anymore since I left the UK over 13 years ago in search of warmer climes).
But for a Peruvian, the cold is something to be defended from.
Don’t think about taking your baby outside without covering her face with a blanket.
Whereas for a Northerner, the cold is an ally. It’ll make you stronger. It’s character building!
WHAT I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO.
There are many things I haven’t done since I gave birth.
I haven’t played my guitar for the last 2 months.
The reality is, breast feeding hurts and my nipples have been way too sore to be brushing up against the guitar right now.
But today I did pick up my guitar and sing her a song.
And that was beautiful.
Only last week did I go for my first solo walk with Luna in my baby carrier.
Being out again in the mountains of Lamay – the sleepy little town where I live – gave me a taste of the freedom I used to enjoy, and the freedom I will enjoy again eventually.
Life is slowly starting to get back to normal – a NEW normal – a normal for the woman I have become.
A normal recognising that the woman I was is no more.
That my life is irrevocably different now.
That I am now in service to Motherhood, and that means that currently I don’t get to do this things I want to do.
–Go to ceremony
–Lead a singing circle
–Go out for lunch whenever I choose.
Sometimes I don’t even get to wash my hair.
But my baby is only a baby for 1 year.
If I live to 100 that’s 1% of my life.
It’s all consuming, and yet it’s fleeting.
And when I find myself wishing away this newborn period so we can do more things and get more sleep, I also cherish this moment so deeply, knowing that when I’m 80 years old this is the place I will be wishing myself back to.
I hope you enjoyed this week’s newsletter and I would love to hear your experience of motherhood!
Love from Abbey x
