Although at the time it was hard, ultimately was the best thing that ever happened to me.

For those of you who know me, you will know about my centre, Anahata.

It started as a beautiful dream.

But since it was never MY dream, it was doomed to fail.

We went about it the wrong way round. Instead of having a steady client base first, we decided to create the centre and hope the clients would come.

They did, but not in the amounts we needed to break even or generate profit.

In April 2022, three months after we opened, we were already haemorraging money.

That was hard to sustain, seeing as through I was the sole investor.

I felt like all my energy was being sucked out of my solar plexus.

I felt like no one else understood.

And they didn’t, because it wasn’t their money.

I felt a huge pressure to make it work.

❌To make it work despite the fact I wasn’t enjoying it.

❌To make it work despite the fact that running a centre didn’t light me up.

This pressure made me stay 1.5 years longer than I should have done.

Underneath the pressure, there was fear.

Fear of giving up.

Fear of quitting.

What would people think of me?

What would I tell people?

How could I face losing all the investment?

What else would I do?

How could I tell my family I had failed?

And so I held it all together.

Although I wasn’t holding it all together at all, as I was displaying clear signs of burnt out.

❌I was severely exhausted.

❌I felt overwhelmed at the backlog of messages from friends, family and clients that I didn’t have time to respond to.

❌I wasn’t being the happy, friendly person I wanted to be with my clients.

❌I resented my friends who had free time and fun weekends

❌I came home emotionally drained, with no capacity to do anything other than sleep.

❌I had no time or space for my creativity.

❌I started to question what was the point of living.

Opening up the possibility

When friends suggested the possibility of closing Anahata, I was shocked and offended.

“How can they be saying this to me?! They don’t have my best interests at heart. They don’t care about my money.”

What I now understand is that it was ME that didn’t have my best interests at heart.

❗️I thought that staying in a job that was making me sick was more important than my happiness.

❗️I thought that money was more important than my wellbeing.

❗️I thought that staying in a situation that made me question the point of living was more important than my mental health.

It was my dad that eventually made me see sense.

I had felt that Anahata was an energy leak (both physically and financially) for a while.

But my ego and stubbornness not to “quit” or “be a failure” forced me to keep going.

When my dad eventually suggested I decide upon a date to put a line in the sand and call it quits, I was able to let go.

Having someone I loved reflect back to me what I was feeling but was unable to see was the permission I needed.

What I learnt

This season of my life taught me more than either of my business Masters ever had.

My Masters had taught me how to succeed.

But what they HADN’T taught me was how to fail.

And it was failure – the very thing I was running from – that turned out to be my biggest asset.

I learnt that failure was not my enemy but rather the catalyst for MONUMENTAL GROWTH.

Failure taught me everything I know – in particular, about my focus, objectives and values.

By failing, there was nothing left to run from.

There was nothing left to lose.

By failing, I found myself in the exact position I had been dreading, and realised it wasn’t actually that bad.

In fact, it was kind of pleasant.

It was pleasant because FINALLY I was able to let go of everything I had been resisting:

⭐pretending I was OK

⭐️trying to prove I was a success

⭐️putting finance over my health and wellbeing

⭐️not asking for help

⭐️holding on to something out of fear

That’s how I learnt that what hurt was not failure.

It was the FEAR of failure.

Failing taught me to let go of what I didn’t want.

And instead taught me the importance of going after what I DID want.

And what was that?

-Peace

-Fulfillment

-Connection

-Creativity

-Time and Space

-Friends and family

-Nature

-Happiness

When I got clear on my values, I started to understand why Anahata hadn’t worked out.

And that clarity enabled me to start investing time and focus into the things that DID give me energy.

✅I started growing my singing circles

✅I recorded my first album

✅I moved to the countryside

✅I invested in my first business Coaching container

I had got over the misguided desire to focus on money and simply focused on what lit me up.

And as is always the way when you are aligned with your heart’s purpose…

…I started to make money doing what I loved!

More money than I had made in Anahata.

More money than I had made in Corporate.

And I realised that I had to lose that 200,000 euros in Anahata doing something I wasn’t good at and something I didn’t love…

…to value the thing I DO love

…to choose my CALLING over CAPITAL

…to know what’s important to me and where I want to invest my energy

So what’s next?

Now I am freed from the fear of failure, I know I can’t go wrong.

I know that there is no failure.

Only lessons and growth.

And I also know that if something is right for you, it will give you energy, not take it away.

That’s why I now support women looking to transition from their soul-destroying 9-5 and find out what they actually want to do.

That has been my own journey.

And it’s my greatest joy to have turned my pain into power and to support other women to do the same.

I hope this week’s newsletter has inspired you.

If you are looking to find your purpose, but not sure where to get started, then I am holding an intimate online workshop this Thursday 1st May.

I will be sharing the signature process I teach my clients to help them find their purpose, as well as the blocks that can stop you from getting in touch with your purpose.

If you fancy joining, it’s only €7, and you can sign up using the link below.

Love from Abbey xxx

The post What losing 200,000€ taught me about purpose. first appeared on Abbey Sykes.

The post What losing 200,000€ taught me about purpose. appeared first on Abbey Sykes.

When I had my spiritual awakening, I discovered my Femininity.

It was intoxicating.

I felt alive, empowered and liberated.

I sat in circle and drank cacao and got in touch with my emotions and EXPRESSED my emotions for the first time in my life.

I cried with other women who were into REAL connections – not jealousy, bitchiness or competition.

I recognised the unhealed part of me that had been hiding behind a masculine shield of “I CAN DO IT ALONE”….because I had felt alone.

🌟I learnt how to receive.

🌟I learnt how to interdepend on others.

🌟And I healed.

I actually wrote my latest song on Spotify during this time. Check it out HERE.

But there was a shadow side to this.

Learning this softer, gentler way of living, I started to REJECT my masculine energy…

I would say things like:

“OMG I used to be so in my masculine” like it was a bad thing.

I got confused. Instead of recognising that my masculine/feminine polarities were out of balance….I started to judge masculine energy as being being BAD.

As a result, I swayed far too much into my feminine. This looked like:

❌staying in bed past 9am

❌having no structure or routine to my day

❌prioritising coffee dates over building my business

❌rejecting objectives because “I wanted to be in flow”

❌showing up late to meetings

And as a result I felt:

⚫️LOST, like a piece of paper floating around in the wind.

⚫️UNCERTAIN because I wasn’t taking action to find out if the path ahead was the right one

⚫️GUILTY because I was wasting my time and talents

⚫️like not TRUSTING myself because I didn’t take action on my dreams

⚫️And I QUESTIONED if I had what it takes to make it work.

It was only when I started drumming, lifting weights and working with my coach that I was able to balance out these polarities.

But it didn’t happen overnight.

It took time and persistence.

Now, don´t get me wrong.

I´m not saying that my Feminine energy was a BAD thing.

Not at all.

My feminine energy is what helped me

🏆CREATE my first album

🏆REST and heal my body

🏆Connect with my INTUITION regarding the next step

What I AM saying is that having TOO much feminine energy, without the corresponding Masculine Energy was harming me.

❌I wrote my songs but – I lacked the structure or consistency to dedicate time to the recording studio

❌I rested my body, but in the process I forget to take consistent daily action

❌I connected with my intuition – and disregarded the logical side of my brain which helps me take decisions.

So how did I get back in touch with my masculine energy?

I surrounded myself with inspirational people who have their polarities well balanced.

How do I know?

I SEE them creating their businesses while at the same time being connected with their heart.

They have an energy of “CAN DO” and they take action on their dreams proactively and efficiently, while still enjoying a good ceremony.

and…dare I say it?

Yes, I´ll say it.

They are FINANCIALLY ABUNDANT.

Because they have systems structure in place that supports them to create stability.

Their feminine energy is not in control, meaning they shy away from a timetable beacuse they want to be “in flow”.

Nor is their masculine energy in charge, disconnecting them from their intuition because they only care about numbers.

They are BALANCED.

And wowzers! Do I know that being in balance feels AWESOME.

It allows you to:

✅get shit done

✅structure your day

✅create & plan

✅achieve your objectives

✅take daily action to build your business

Doing these things is great.

But the way doing these things FEELS is even greater.

🌟You feel PROUD of yourself because you’re taking daily action

🌟You TRUST yourself because you do what you say

🌟You feel EMPOWERED because you prove to yourself that you can

But let’s be honest.

The key is not to be more in one or the other.

It’s to find the balance.

So you can be:

➡️decisive without being hard

➡️punctual without being rigid

➡️self-disciplined while still being soft.

I hope you enjoyed this week´s shorter-form newsletter.

My mum is visiting me in Peru so I want to prioritise being with her.

And that’s the balance – right?

Writing the newsletter, but a little shorter that allows me to spend maximum time with my mum.

Wishing you a beautiful weekend.

Abbey ❤️

p.s. – check out the song below I told you about in my newsletter. I think you’ll enjoy it. I wrote it when I was in the full throes of my feminine awakening. The chorus is pretty catchy…

p.p.s.s. – If you are looking to bring structure and consistency to your life so that you can CREATE the thing you came here to create, DM me on Instagram here with the word CREATE.

The post Why your feminine energy is keeping your stuck. first appeared on Abbey Sykes.

The post Why your feminine energy is keeping your stuck. appeared first on Abbey Sykes.

So why would I leave it all?

The answer is LOVE.

But, for logic’s sake, let’s start at the beginning.

THE BEGINNING

For those who have known me for…any amount of time…you will know that I have a long-standing love affair with Peru.

I first set feet in the Motherland when I was 23 years old.

My boyfriend at the time didn’t want to join me.

But that wasn´t going to stop me!

I went alone, and it changed the course of my life.

I look back on the first time I climbed Macchu Piccu as a spiritual experience.

I didn’t even consider myself spiritual at the time.

But there was something magical about waking up at 3 in the morning and leaving the small town of Aguas Calientes on foot to climb the Inca-sized steps leading up the mountain.

When I returned back to England, I was a changed woman.

✅I broke up with my partner.

✅I decided to leave England.

✅I interviewed for a job in Barcelona and was successful.

That was 11 years ago. The rest is history.

SPAIN

I moved to Barcelona in summer 2013.

The first year I was mesmorised by the city.

It was like Never Ever Land.

But very soon after, my health, relationships and career started failing. Read about that *HERE*

That is what led me to the healing path.

It started down the typical route

⭐️psychotherapy

⭐️diagnosis of food intolerances

⭐️diagnosis of autoimmune disease

And that’s when I started looking for real answers.

**Enter Ayahuasca**

MY AYAHUASCA EXPERIENCE

When I sat in my first ceremony in January 2020 it all started to make sense.

The plant came from Peru. It was literally Pacha Mama speaking directly with me.

I understood why I had had such a connection with Peru back in 2012.

I understood my life had been altered by that first visit to Peru.

It had altered the course of my life and put me on the right path so that I could heal.

AND I HEALED SO MUCH!

In the next year I would go on to leave my soul-destroying 9-5, learn the guitar and start writing music.

And in that first, life-altering weekend I met Nilton.

He had come to play music in ceremony.

He served me my first rapé.

We had a special connection from the beginning.

But it was purely platonic.

We became friends.

The next year, when I hopped on a plane and returned to Peru, I hung out with him as well as my other friends in the Sacred Valley.

He showed me some cool spots and I felt very comfortable with him.

Whenever he was in Spain we would hang out, and the same when I was in Peru.

He is a very good musician and I have always loved learning from him. He taught me a lot of the songs we share together in circle.

I remember the thought crossing through my mind when I was last in Peru in summer 2022 “I could never be with Nilton because of XYZ”.

My mind came up with a million reasons why we could never be together.

Because:

❌ he was shorter than me

❌ he was older than me

❌ he lived in Peru

❌ he had kids

I thought what my mind was telling me was THE TRUTH. I didn’t realise that it was showing me all the blockages my mind had to work so I could receive love. So I could open up to the idea of being with someone who ACTUALLY RESPECTS ME.

It’s hard though when we’ve been sold the disney idea of what our prince would look like. What my MIND thought I wanted was something along the lines of:

✅tall

✅European

✅bilingual

But where did that land me?

Toxic relationship after toxic relationship.

That’s what happens when you look with your eyes, not with your heart.

When I got back from Peru in 2022 I missed Nilton so much. But I was busy with my centre Anahata and so I settled back into Barcelona life.

However, upon my return to Europe I did put on my visionboard “put the financial structure in place to move to Peru by 2024”.

I tried to fish out a picture for this newsletter but after an hour scrolling through my phone, I gave up. You’ll have to make do with the mental image.

Once day Nilton sent me a message telling me that he had developed feelings for me while I was in Peru… but I didn’t feel the same.

I shared that with him and he understood and never mentioned it again.

It didn’t affect our friendship. We continued senidng each other messages, voice messages and videos of each other playing music.

It’s not that I forgot about Peru. But I had other pressing matters to attend to, like Anahata.

My friend Benjo told me that one day everything would align for me to go there.

I prayed it would be so. But didn’t really believe it.

I was also starting to worry that I would never meet anyone.

And besides, I had VERY particular needs.

Where on EARTH would I meet someone who:

⭐️was mature & had a trajectory of inner work under his belt?

⭐️might be prepared to move to The Sacred Valley one day

⭐️played music?

⭐️enjoyed a good Ayahuasca ceremony like I did

⭐️was grounded with a stable job

⭐️was respected in his community

⭐️didn’t need anything from me

⭐️had integrity, kindness, presence & devotion

It seemed the odds were stacked against me.

I remember a friend once suggested maybe I already knew who I was going to fall in love with.

I literally went through all my guy friends one by one.

I was like, “nope, nope, nope, DEFINITELY nope…”

But in February this year 2 things happened which opened up a door on my path and put me in touch with my deepest desires.

THE POWER OF SHARING

In February I was playing some music at my beloved Makwee Women’s Retreat.

In the intention setting, I took a risk and decided to leave behind the shield of protection I often wear as a facilitator. I chose to share how I was feeling, warts and all.

I stood up and expressed my frustation that I hadn’t met partner yet. I remember feeling embarrassed to share that I was feeling this way…but I had to be honest. I said out loud “I’m doing all the work on myself so… “where the fuck is he?!”

Having the courage to express that was very rewarding because sisters kept coming up to me all weekend saying “he´s on his way. You´re going to meet him very soon.”

And I started to believe it.

The same month, I had a transcendental experience in the forest that changed everything

RELEASE

In February I was feeling very pre-menstrual.

I was stressed, angry and frustrated.

I felt called to wonder into the forest near my house.

By now I knew better than to ignore my instinct.

I took a left turn and turned onto a path I’d never set foot on.

After a few winding minutes it opened up to a beautiful green valley.

I sat there in the stillness and contemplated my life.

I felt Mother Nature holding me with her all-embracing love.

I was humbled by her presence and all-knowingness.

And there in the forest, I burst into tears and cried and cried and cried.

And the clarity and the peace that came through in that moment were that not only did I want to find my partner . But I also wanted to have a baby.

Up until that moment I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be a mum.

But the clarity came through loud and strong.

On my way home the song Release came through, word for word.

You can listen to it *here*

It will be released on Spotify in the next months.

THE MAGIC OF MANIFESTATION

Life continued. I got on with my day to day.

I didn’t think anything else of it.

And the next month, Nilton came over from Peru.

My friend Desi who knows us both said to be before he arrived “babe, wouldn’t it be amazing if you and Nilton got together”.

I feel bad but I literally shuddered and said “no way.”

He was my friend – it was weird for me to think of him in any other way.

Even so, it was always so easy with him. He was respectful, kind, curious and never tried anything with me. That’s why I felt so safe with him.

And the conversation with him just FLOWED. We could talk about everything and anything.

We went to Ibiza with some dear friends for a magical ceremony by Es vedrá, our other friend Jamie flew in from Peru and we travelled around Catalunya.

And the whole time I felt myself wanting to be closer…

and closer…

…and closer

to Nilton.

His presence…his integrity…his curiosity in me…his HUMILITY!

I started noticing what beautiful long eyelashes he had.

I loved the sound of his voice.

I couldn’t wait for everyone to leave so it would just me him driving along, talking, laughing, reminiscing.

And I felt a deep sadness that he would be leaving soon and I wouldn´t see him for a long time.

I started imagining what it would be like to kiss him.

And on his final night, I felt my heart open fully to him.

BUT…

there was an obstacle.

My shyness.

How does one say “I have developed feelings for you and I need to tell you?”

Well apparently, just like that.

But my shyness got the better of me and I waited until he was in Madrid boarding his flight back to Peru to tell him.

His response was so beautiful.

“You have made me the happiest man alive. You know that I have had feelings for you for a long time.”

Since then we´ve been speaking every day, two, three times a day.

And things are going well.

I don’t feel the fiery sparks of youthful passion. My experience with those is that they burn out pretty quickly.

What I do feel a strong, stable inner fire that burns consistently.

And that makes me feel very FULL inside.

Which means that now we can pivot back to the title of this story.

TODAY, SATURDAY 10TH AUGUST, I AM MOVING TO PERU FOR 3 MONTHS.

Originally I had booked my flights for 3 weeks. But when I realised that this love story could actually have a future, I took the reigns of my life and decided to FIND OUT FOR REAL.

And everything has aligned, just as Benjo said it would:

🦙I will work from Peru.

🦙Pakandé is going to lead our Singing Circles while I´m away

🦙I´ve rented out my room to a dear friend

🦙I´ve even rented out my car

❤️I am going to a place that I have loved for 12 years.

❤️I have beautiful friends out there who I´m looking forward to spending more time with.

❤️My dear Nilton is out there waiting for me.

And I’m leaving on a high.

I heard once it’s better to run towards something than to run away from something.

And that´s exaclty how I feel.

Had I moved years ago I would definitely have been running away from my failing centre Anahata. I needed to build myself up again in order to be riding the wave of life.

And now that I am, I will only accept situations & relationships which are good, if not BETTER than what I currently have.

(which is pretty damn great and I feel very lucky).

And let’s be VERY realistic about this.

I don’t know if it´s going ot work out.

I am excited and nervous and happy and scared all rolled into one.

But I have a chance at love. In a place that I love. Surrounded by people that I love.

It’s true it may not work out.

We never know what life has in store for us.

But as my dad says, you have to task a risk in order to find out.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of my newsletter.

Stay tuned to hear how I get on in Peru!

Love from Abbey

ps – Listen to my new song Embrace Your Shadow here.

The post Why I’m leaving my happy life in Barcelona to move to Peru for 3 months first appeared on Abbey Sykes.

The post Why I’m leaving my happy life in Barcelona to move to Peru for 3 months appeared first on Abbey Sykes.

I feel grateful that it came before marriage and kids.

But it was tough.

Everything around me crumbled within a year.

❌My relationship

❌My health

❌My job

❌My finances

I was hemorraging money from my failed centre, Anahata. I felt the energy being sucked out of my solar plexus.

I felt like I was dying.

I was recovering from Narcissistic abuse and had started to doubt my own version of reality.

On top of that, I had a herniated disk and couldn’t walk straight because of the pain.

Some days I couldn’t even bend down to put my socks on.

Feelings of blame certainly did come up becuase I’m human. But I knew that I needed to look underneath the hot sticky lava of blame & resentment to feel better again.

And that’s where the shadow work began.

WHAT IS THE SHADOW?

The shadow is the person you would rather not be.

It’s the part you dislike about other people that you actually have locked away in yourself, refusing to admit it.

It’s what breaks up families.

It what causes wars.

The shadow is the part of us that we reject in ourselves and in others because we judge it to be “bad”.

MY SHADOW

One of my shadow sides is playing the role of good girl.

Good-girl-itis is a common disease among women my age. It is a manipulation of the emotions of other people so that they like us. We need others to like us so we feel better about ourselves.

This has manifested in my life as not:

❌expressing my anger (I didn’t want to rock the boat)

❌expressing my sadness (I didn’t want to bore people)

❌speaking up when people treat me badly (I didnt want to judge)

But here’s the thing.

By denying my anger, I withheld my love.

By denying my sadness, I withheld my happiness.

By not speaking up, I withheld my freedom.

This is because when we suppress any “negative” feeling or part of ourselves, we also suppress its opposite.

WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I DENIED THESE PARTS OF MYSELF?

I was living in the shadows, not allowing my full light to be seen.

After all, how can your light be seen when you are blaming, resentful and burnt out?!

As they say, ‘What you can’t be with, won’t let you be’. 

If you ever came into Anahata in 2022 you would have seen the effect of this on me.

🌱I wasn’t the best version of myself.

🌱I was rude, distant and stressed.

🌱 I was very rigid & serious

I’m sorry if that affected you.

HOW DID I HEAL THIS SHADOW SIDE?

Things started to get better when I:

✅ started giving myself permission to feel emotions.

✅ started giving myself permission to put boundaries.

✅ realised I would rather be whole than good.

I also started channeling my pain into music.

As an artist, when a song starts coming through, I know it’s important.

I leave everything to give space for that song to be birthed.

This is how Embrace Your Shadow was written – during the difficult process of integrating my shadow.

I don’t remember how the words came through, but within a week of starting it was finished.

I felt the lyrics coming from another world, from my higher self, assuring me that I would get through it:

“embrace your shadow even though you are afraid,

the brightest sunrise follows the darkest night”

I was reminding myself to have faith that everything would be alright.

HOW DID I INTEGRATE MY SHADOW?

As I started to heal, no longer did I have to repress or get rid of the parts of myself that I disliked.

Instead, I began to find the POSITIVE ASPECTS of this shadow side and integrate them into my life.

I changed my relationship with anger.

Instead of judging it as bad, I realised it served a sacred purpose.

Anger is a fuel. When we feel it, we want to do something. Anger is meant to be listened to. Anger is a MAP. It shows us our boundaries and where we want to go. Anger points the way, not the finger. Anger is our friend. Not a gentle friend, but a very loyal friend. It will always tell us when its time to act in our own best interests.

I gave myself full permission to FEEL my anger.

This took time and effort.

✨I did pillow scream therapy.

✨I bought a foam noodle to smash my anger out on the bed.

✨I received somatic coaching

✨I did boxing and imagined smashing my narcissstic ex partner’s face in.

I got in touch with my anger and I gave myself FULL PERMISSION to feel it.

Then, I used it as a catalyst to take action in my life and to EXPRESS.

At first it came out quite aggressive.

Which is a good sign.

It means it’s working.

Eventually, as my anger started to integrate inside of me, I was able to express my anger in a gentler way using the language of non-violent communication…

“I feel frustrated when I see XYZ”.

I started to see how I could express my anger super sweetly.

But first I had to allow myself to feel it and take responsibility for it.

When I realised that anger is not violence, everything changes.

Anger is a natural human emotion. Violence is the uncontrolled, harmful expression of a natural emotion.

It’s easy to confuse the two things, especially if we were brought up in households where we were shouted at.

If we grew up not feeling safe because of an adult’s anger, we promise ourselves that we will never be an angry person.

And that’s how our shadow is born – we repress what we think is bad because we were never shown a better way.

In reality, no human emotion is ever bad.

All emotions are designed to be expressed and to create change.

HOW INTEGRATING MY SHADOW HAS HELPED ME.

When I could accept & forgive the part of me that feels angry, I could accept and forgive others.

I used to judge angry people as “bad” people because I hadn’t yet accepted the anger within me.

But now I feel INSPIRED by healthy expressions of anger.

It is an energy that EXPANDS and EMPOWERS.

Being around people who can express their anger gives me PERMISSION to express my anger too.

Getting it out rather than keeping it repressed inside is a blessing. It cured me from a whole host of illnesses that “traditional” medicine is still unaware of.

If you missed my article about how repressing anger gave me autoimmune disease, you can check it out here.

I am constantly learning about safe ways to express.

It adds to my personal power.

Feeling my anger enables me to take action to change the things in my life that I don’t like.

If you want to find out more about anger and expression I recommend reading this book:

HOW TO GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR SHADOW

Getting in touch with your shadow and converting it into a tool for your toolbox takes time.

If you want it enough, you will find away.

Don’t worry if you are currently unsure what your shadows are.

Here is a simple process can help you get in touch with your “inner oppressor”.

1) Close your eyes and take a moment to think about something you’ve wanted for a long time.  Maybe you’d love to have a fit body, a healthy relationship, or a home on the lake?  See it in your mind’s eye and sense it in your bones.

2) Give it a few minutes. You likely hear a familiar negative inner voice creeping in telling you why you can’t have what you want, or why you don’t deserve it.  It may remind you that you’re not good enough, focused enough or worthy enough.  This is the voice of your shadow self.

3) Now think back to the earliest time you can remember hearing that same negative voice.  Who was there?  What was happening?  How old were you?  Likely you’ll be able to trace it back to a time when you were between the ages of 2-10 years old.  Maybe you wanted a new bike, and you were told your grades weren’t good enough. It’s the little child within you that created the shadow self that needs some love or attention.  It’s that aspect that feels stupid, bad or unworthy and is hiding in your psyche setting the parameters of your life.

4) Sit with them.  Imagine that shadow self as the prodigal son/daughter coming home.  Give ‘them’ the love that they have been yearning for.  What did they/you need at those critical times that they/you didn’t get? Are you willing to give it to yourself?

5) Action:  Write a letter to your 10-year-old self.   Let them know you are there for them, you know what happened, and they’re worthy/lovable exactly as they are.  ‘Dear ten-year-old me, this is what I want you to know….’

CONCLUSION

In integrated anger is only one example of the shadow-side.

It’s been one of my personal shadows.

It’s a side that I have healed in making the unconscious conscious.

I wish to state that in no way am I trying to pretend that I have healed all my shadow sides. I think that is impossible in only one lifetime.

I know I have many more shadows that I dont even know about yet.

After all…YOU DON´T KNOW WHAT YOU DON´T KNOW.

That’s why it´s called a shadow – because you are unconscious of it.

However, what I DO know is this:

When my shadows rear their ugly head, I have all the tools and strength in order to deal with them 💪🏻

And so do you!

When you integrate these parts of you, you will open up to more personal power and possibility than you ever imagined.

I hope you found this article useful.

Love from Abbey xxx

P.S: If you want to listen to the song I talk about in this article, EMBRACE YOUR SHADOW is available on Spotify as of Friday 2nd August 2024.. Click here to listen now.

The post How my midlife crisis helped me integrate my anger. first appeared on Abbey Sykes.

The post How my midlife crisis helped me integrate my anger. appeared first on Abbey Sykes.

I wanted to speak and have every child in the room listening to me, attent to my every word.

I wanted them to remember me as the best teacher they’d ever had.

And that kind of worked when I was teaching 7 year olds.

I could get away with controlling them by being inauthentic.

But it didn’t wash with the older kids.

I discovered this the hard way when I landed a job at a Prestigious private school in Barcelona in 2013.

Going from teaching 7 year olds to teaching 11 years olds was a whole new ball game.

Tactics of domination and control no longer worked.

The older kids saw straight through my power games.

And the effect?

I couldn’t get the kids to be quiet!

I often came home from school feeling undermined, out of control and weak.

You can read about how my health quickly deteriorated as a result here

I took that to mean that I did not want to lead.

EVER!

LET’S CO-CREATE!

I took a break from teaching and from leadership.

I actually quiet teaching.

And I was quite sure that I never wanted to lead again.

Until I first joined the spiritual scene, and I became aware of a new paradigm of CO-CREATION.

I loved it.

I felt like it was healing all my past trauma with leadership.

I noticed that Spiritual people didn’t talk about leaders and followers.

Instead, they spoke about “co-creation”.

When I heard that word, felt a sense of ease wash over me.

I remember thinking… “you mean – I don’t have to try to prove myself as a leader anymore?”

I STOPPED LEADING & STARTED SHARING

So I relaxed.

And when I started sharing my Singing Circles in Barcelona, it was from that same spirit of relaxation.

I wasn’t trying to prove anything.

I was simply wanting people to experience what I had experienced with Kevin James, my Singing Circle Teacher.

When I stopped trying to lead, and just started to share, owning my own fears and self-judgement as I did so, I felt myself relax and others too.

Whereas before I would use my education to prove to others that I was worthy…now I just came to connect and to create a safe space for others to do the same.

It reminds me of that leadership quote by Margaret Thatcher:

“Being a leader is like

being a lady.

If you have to tell people

you’re one…

You’re probably not.”

As I started leading Singing Circles I discovered the timeless truth in these words.

The LESS I tried to ‘look good’ or ‘prove myself’ the more people would come. The more people would invite me to sing in their circles.

The LESS I thought about credentials or titles—and the more I focused completely on connecting myself with the music—the more ‘my people’ connected with themselves.

Whereas before I failed trying to control with fear and domination, now I was succeeding sharing my authenticity and vulnerability.

THE TRUE TEST OF A LEADER

Leadership is simple.

If you want to know if you’re a leader, turn around and see who’s following.

Leaders have followers. That’s all that counts.

When I stopped TRYING to be a leader and simply allowed myself to BE, one day I turned around and began to see that I had created an incredible community of Circle Singers in Barcelona.

But there is an even more powerful test of leaders.

A true leader creates more leaders, not more followers.

And that change in perspective has given me permission to LEAD.

Because now I know the true meaning of the word LEADERSHIP.

The post Why I don’t want to be a leader first appeared on Abbey Sykes.

The post Why I don’t want to be a leader appeared first on Abbey Sykes.

Why is being “aligned” so important, when being lost is an important part of the journey?

This is a valid question.

In this newsletter I will be answering this conundrum.

I will also be addressing where I see so many people going wrong, keeping them in a perpetual in a state of LOSTness.

And finally I will share specific coaching practices I use with my clients to move them into alignment.

WHY IS EVERYONE SO OBSESSED WITH BEING ALIGNED?

First of all, let me begin by addressing the art of being lost.

I am a fervent believer in the important of losing yourself in order to find yourself again.

People who have never got lost or never hit rock bottom are often the ones most out of touch with themselves. I see this a lot in Corporate – people who have worked their way up the ladder but never taken the time to stop and question if this is really want they want. They are often the ones who go out at the weekends to get drunk. They think they are being sociable, but they are just drowning out the voice inside of them telling them they are not happy.

Their stories are not as interesting to me as the stories of people who have been brought to their knees by life. The people who have questioned everything, and had to claw their way out one fingernail at a time.

After all, the greaest discoveries are often the by-product of getting well and truly lost.

Let’s take Christopher Colombus for example.

We’ll call him Chris for short.

Disclaimer: I don’t know him personally.

BUT…

I´m pretty sure when Chris “accidentally” got lost and discovered America, his though process would have sounded something like this:

❌”SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT”

❌”I’m a failure”

❌”I KNEW I wasn’t capable of leading this mission.”

❌”OMG Kind Ferdinand and Queen Isabella are going to HATE me and think I´m a LOSER!”

As we all know, Chris was supposed to be finding a shorter trading route to India.

Instead he discovered America.

If you are not yet convinced by the fertile twilight zone between being lost and found, let us turn to a different example.

VAN GOGH

In his lifetime he made 1200 paintings.

However, only 17 become famous.

Wait a sec while I pull out my calculator…

That’s a success rate of ONLY 1.4%.

But nobody thinks about the “failures”. Nobody considers the paintings that “didn’t sell”. The fact that he spent most of his life depressed, living on coffee, cigarettes and white bread…

No wonder he cut his bloody ear off!

When Van Gogh died, he was 37 years old. And he has only sold 1 painting.

He died considered himself to be a failure.

Nobody knew that his being lost enabled him to create some of the most important art of the 19th century.

I konw what you’re thinking…

If getting lost is so important, why is this newsletter called “from lost to aligned”?

Well, here’s the thing:

Being lost is all well and good.

But you don’t want to stay there too long.

Otherwise you may well end up like Van Gogh…

WHAT I SEE SO MAY PEOPLE DOING WRONG.

Depending on your personality-type, getting lost can get you trapped in one of two possible scenarios:

1) GETTING STUCK IN NON-ACTION

I see many peple so terrified to make a mistake and choose the “wrong” path, that they don’t do anything.

The truth is, it doesn’t really matter WHAT you do.

Just do SOMETHING.

Because if it doesn´t work out, it´s going to lead you closer to what you really want.

If you look at it from this perspective…you really can’t go wrong!

But because it is “scary” to go wrong, many people don´t even give themelves the chance to go.

The result is that they get stuck in non-action.

Non-action looks like:

❌having ideas but not following through on any of them

❌getting distracted by food/exercise/pleasure over sitting down and getting on with the task at hand

❌escaping through travel & plant medicine to keep you stuck in the illusion of moving forwards.

So many people think that making a mistake means failure.

But the truth is failure is when you don’t make any mistakes.

Read that again.

FAILURE IS WHEN YOU DON´T MAKE ANY MISTAKES.

🌟How else can you learn?

🌟How else can you grow?

🌟How else can you find a redirection for your life?

Then there´s the other side of the coin…

2) GETTING STUCK IN OVER-ACTION

I had a call with a potential client a few months ago.

She was completely lost.

And she was doing EVERYTHING to try and claw her way out.

She was exhausted and burnt out.

But she didn’t want to accept it.

She thought that the next training would finally bring her success.

She believed that by teaching a few more classes per week she would finally earn the respect she desired.

She was hating life. But because she didn´t believe there was an alternative, she kept forcing herself onwards. She was like the racehorse AND the jockey rolled into one, thinking that whipping herself into action would make her win the race.

But she was running the wrong race.

What she needed to do was PAUSE and ask herself HOW SHE WANTED TO FEEL.

And from there gain the CLARITY she needed to create a life that made her really happy.

But she didn’t allow herself to PAUSE because her ego wouldn’t let her off the hamster wheel.

FINDING ALIGNMENT

Being lost is often fertile ground to allow you to find all the pieces of the puzzle.

It´s OK to take your time in the process.

Rushing it could mean that you put the puzzle back in the wrong order. Or with pieces missing.

But you also have to recognise when it’s time to start moving into alignment.

We all have gifts to share with the world.

Time isn’t getting any slower.

And you’re not getting any younger.

As we start navigating our own path, we realise that we have indeed scattered pieces of our puzzle in different corners of the Earth.

This can be due to other people´s expectations, society telling you what you should want, toxic relationships…

It’s important to bring all these pieces back to you. That way, you can lay strong foundations in order to build the future you truly deserve and desire.

And that’s exactly the process I take my clients through when we work together.

We find CLARITY on who they are and what they wan. Then we create create a PLAN in order to take the daily steps to move them into ALIGNMENT.

But how do you know if this is really your purpose or just something that interests you right now?

DIFFERENTIATING PASSIONS FROM PURPOSE

There is a sure fire way to tell your passions from your purpose.

Your passions can me multiple and they can change throughout the course of your life.

Your purpose tends to stay the same.

Whereas you can continue discovering new passions throughout your life, your PURPOSE is usually the underlying force holding these passions together.

Your PURPOSE is often born out of your greatest pain.

For example, as a child I felt I didn’t have a voice.

It’s no coincidence that when I grew up I developed underactive thryoid. I also developed Hashimotos autoimmune disease (where the body attacks the thyroid gland).

Now I Coach people to find their creativity & get in touch with their purpose.

I hold Singing Circles so people can connect with their authentic voice.

And I am a Ceremonial musician, working with medicine to empower people to come back to themselves.

You can see that I have 3 passions: Coaching, Music & Medicine.

But these are just the tools I use to carry out my purpose.

My PURPOSE is over-arching theme weaving them together, born of the pain I felt as a child of not having access to my own self-expression.

My purpose is supporting people to be fully self-expressed in this life.

You see how it works?

If you have a tendency to start one passion and then run out of steam, then you haven´t found your purpose yet.

SO KEEP GOING!

When you tap into your purpose you will know.

It feels like:

🌟electricity

🌟you are tapped into something greater than yourself

🌟time just flies by when you do this thing

🌟you can’t wait to get out of bed to keep working on it

🌟you have been CHOSEN to carry out this mission

Remember – it’s only through the process of experimenting that some options are ruled out. That way, you are always getting closer to what it actually is you want to do.

To finish, I’m going to share some of the steps I take my clients through so YOU can start moving YOURSELF from LOST to ALIGNED.

SELF-COACHING STEPS TO FIND ALIGNMENT

1) THE WORK by Byron Katie.

Whenever you have a situation or recurrent thought that is causing you stress, there is a series of questions you can take yourself through to reach peace of heart.

You can access these questions using Byron Katie’s app (available on both the Apple and google stores). It costs €1.

Get the app here

If you don´t want to invest, hit REPLY to this email and write THE WORK and I´ll be happy to send you the questions over.

The app is great because it’s easily accesible any time you have a real-life situation that is causing you stress.

2) ENERGY LISTS

Energy is the new currency.

There are things you are doing right now in your life that are draining you of energy. Maybe it involves people, habits and/or places.

There are also things that are filling you with energy.

Make 2 lists – one of all the things that drain you of energy. And the other all the things that fill you with energy.

The first step is to become aware.

The second step is to start crossing things off the list of things that drain you of energy. This means that slowly, you start saying goodbye to habits, people and places that are harming you.

If you are meticulous with this practice, you will soon start to see your energy rising and things that used to frustrate you falling away.

3) INTENTION

Alignment is a daily practice.

Here is a practise that takes less than a minute that works EVERY TIME.

After you wake up, light a candle and set your intention for the day.

Your intention can be how you want to feel (“peaceful,”, “joyful”, “spacious”). Or it can be a particular intention for a specific outcome at work or a conversation that needs to be had.

The act of lighting a candle brings presence and sacredness to the intention.

You’ll be amazed at what you achieve when you make this a regular practice!

I do it every day and encourage my clients to do the same.

I hope that this week’s newsletter brought you clarity and inspiration to move from LOST to ALIGNED.

Thanks for reading me.

Until next week!

Love from Abbey xxx

p.s. If you would like some one-on-one support, I have a couple of spaces open for new clients. Get in touch and let’s see if we are a good fit to work together.

The post Moving from lost to aligned in 3 steps first appeared on Abbey Sykes.

The post Moving from lost to aligned in 3 steps appeared first on Abbey Sykes.

I believe my interest in personal development stems from the fact I have had so many toxic relationships.

And I have played my part in them.

We all have blind spots and we go on repeating the same patterns again and again until we learn the lesson.

For those who know my story, you will have read my previous experience with a Narcissist. If not, you can read about it HERE.

During this time I lost a lot of money, weight and self-esteem. This period, while very difficult, ultimately led to my empowerment and freedom.

But not without a few tests along the way.

Last year it came as a surprise that ANOTHER narcissist entered my life.

My initial reaction? FFS UNIVERSE. ARE YOU HAVING A LAUGH?

It’s possible, as the universe does have a pretty sick sense of humour.

But after navigating the waters and reaching dry land safely, I realise that this was actually THE TEST.

THE TEST

If you haven´t heard of THE TEST, then let me explain how it works.

The Test is the universe’s way of checking that you have really learnt the lesson you claim to have learnt.

Not just a little bit.

I mean that you have FULLY INTEGRATED its teachings so that you can say “I am cured of attracting that type of experience into my life again”.

For me THE TEST came in December 2021.

Here’s how it happened.

I met a guy. We were both into music, rituals & healing.

I thought “great”.

But VERY early on I started to notice strange behaviour and SERIOUS overstepping of boundaries.

I mean SERIOUS overstepping.

I questioned whether or not I should divulge the following information since it is definitely too much information.

But for those who know me, I love an overshare.

And I’m sure I am not the first or last woman this will have happened to.

So I share with a 40% rate of embarrassment but also a 60% desire that it enables you to spot red flags very early on.

THE DISRESPECT BEGINS

This man (let’s call him Hank) disrespected me the very first time we slept together.

I thought the following sentence was clear enough:

“Please don’t ejaculate inside of me”.

But I was wrong.

As he started to come he said “I can’t have babies”.

As if that was justification for ignoring my boundary.

And with that said, he thought it convenient to fire his semen all the way up inside of me.

I was in shock, as you can imagine.

But I didn´t say anything in the moment.

Why not?

Because I blamed myself for not having being clear enough.

I thought I was the problem.

When I later found the power to bring it up, he apologised.

It was a genuine apology. And as I saw his ability to listen and make amends, I put it in the balance bank.

THE BALANCE BANK.

If you haven´t heard of the balance bank, then I think you are going to find it very useful..

This has served me wisely ever since I learnt of the concept.

The Balance Bank is a form of analysis my psychotherapist, Pilar, taught me for when you are getting to know someone.

When you are in the “Eros”, falling-in-love stage, it’s easy to let things slip and put the person on a pedestal.

In this stage you think everything they do is wonderful and it’s easy to ignore red flags.

To keep yourself grounded and alert in this moment, the Balance Bank helps you keep track of everything.

The aim is not to store things up to later hold against the other. But rather to be AWARE and not to lose sight of the things you dislike as well as the things you like.

That way you can never lose yourself in the falling-in-love stage because you are witnessing it all.

Regarding my own Balance Bank, it clearly wasn’t great that the first behavioural concern was weighted heavily on the negative side.

But wanting to discern rather than judge, I allowed the process to unfold so I could clearly see what was happening.

Hank did have many positives. He was attentive and took good care of me. He cooked well and was available for me whenever I needed.

But after a few days of seeing each other I noticed another negative check in the Bank Balance.

Hank had left a toothbrush at mine without asking me. Then a scarf.

Something inside of me didn´t feel comfortable with this.

Now am I saying that his behaviour was all bad and mine was perfect?

No.

Every time there was an issue, I didn’t communicate it in the moment. I swallowed it down and let it fester.

That isn’t good.

But even so, at this point in the relationship it became clear to me that when I DID communicate it was not being received. I also saw that he was constantly overstepping my boundaries.

I didn’t see a future for us.

And so I told him.

I assumed because it was commnunicated that it would be understood….

But once again I was sadly mistaken.

FROM BAD TO WORSE

It was around 2 weeks after we met that I shared that with him I didn’t see a future. I suggested if he wanted to have a casual romantic adventure with me then I was open to that.

He said he understood.

But the next week he started demanding that I message him as soon as I woke up.

He told me how he made me a priority and tried to make me feel guilty because I not doing the same with him.

I didn’t understand. I thought that telling him I didn’t see a future was clear enough.

It was frustrating.

Why were the boundaries I was constantly setting not getting through?

What was I doing wrong?!

It didn’t get any better. Only worse.

Soon the questions started coming about why I had the “message read” sign turned off on my whatsapp…

He started making me feel guilty about every action and decision that I took to protect myself.

When I spoke about male friends his energy would change and he would ask me if I has been with them.

After a month and a half things hit an all time low.

I went to Colombia for 10 days and if I didn’t check in with him he would get very angry and confrontational.

When I reminded him we were not in a relationship he told me he was doing it from love. “Wouldn’t you worry if I was away and didn’t reply to you?”

Erm…no. No I wouldn’t.

The purpose of this journey to Colombia was for healing but somehow he was making it all about him.

I recognised that his behaviour was too much and I asked for space so that I could focus on the work I was there to do.

Did he respect that?

No.

He completely ignored my request for space, sending me songs every morning. He would alternate between apologies and blame when I didn’t reply.

I felt like there was no escape from this man.

It was asphyxiating.

By this time I was reading the signs.

But because his behaviour alternated between extreme control and extreme humility, I still thought that maybe he just needed more reassurance from me.

Looking back, a part of me blamed myself for his extreme reactions.

This is a typical response between narcissist- empath. The empath blames themselves and the narcissist blames them too.

THE FINAL NAIL IN THE COFFIN

By this time I was seeing many red flags. But the final nail in the coffin came after a weekend away for his birthday.

During the weekend away he told me how he was going to speak with the doctor to see if he could reverse the fact he couldn’t have children.

We had been seeing each other for 3 months…

We had never spoken about having children together…

On the way home we stopped in a forest for some forest bathing and we got onto the conversation of a romantic night I had spent with someone the year before.

He went ballistic, saying that I had deliberately hidden information from him.

I felt very uncomfortable but as he was driving us home, I felt I had to stay in the car.

When we got home he offered me a massage to make amends (…!)

But the oscillation between extremes continued.

As he was massaging me suddenly he exploded “you’re so selfish. You’re lost in your own world and are not even thinking about me. You haven’t even noticed that my hand’s hurting”.

This was becoming a common occurrence. To offer me something and then use that against me to make me feel guilty and selfish.

This was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

The illusions were shattered.

Finally, the clarity had arrived.

I wasn’t safe to be with him.

The very next day I ended it.

And so began the next ordeal…

THE BREAK UP

“You broke up with me just for that?!”

“You never loved me”

“You played with my emotions”

He was genuinely shocked and unable to see how his behaviour had caused any of this.

Instead he turned it all round on me as he had done the whole relationship.

But by this time his words couldn’t touch me.

Because I recognised he was mentally unbalanced.

There is one thing I have learnt about narcissists. They are unable to accept that there may be parts of their behaviours that is narcissistic.

That is why it’s best not to use labels when explaining to them: because they use the label to turn it around on you.

“YOU are the narcissist”.

When he said this to me, I took it to my psychologist.

Was I the one who had been out of line?

She reassured me that if someone calls you a narcissist, and you are able to consider that it might be true, then you can rule it out.

In fact, it´s likely that you are an EMPATH, and that you ATTRACT narcissists because of your kind, gentle nature.

I feel fortunate to have escaped relatively unscathed.

I just receive the occasional message laced with judgement and blame from time to time.

But that only serves as a reminder that I am well out of that situation.

From this whole adventure I learnt the following about entering a new relationship with someone:

❌Your intuition is never wrong

❌If someone oversteps your boundary the first time you have sex, run a mile.

❌If you boundary is overstepped again and again, what the hell are you doing staying in that relationship?

❌ the way someone criticises others behind their back is the way they will criticise you behind your back. You’re not special

❌ breaking up with a narcissist is an ordeal in itself, but stay strong. When the torrent of abuse starts coming, just smile and wave 🙋🏼‍♀️

TO CONCLUDE

And so, that concludes my adventures with narcissists.

…I hope…

Even though it was tough, and I doubted myseld a lot of the time (am I really a bad person?!), ultimately it led to my empowerment.

When you’re lonely you are more likely to take breadcrumbs of love.

Especially if you have never experienced what healthy love is.

When you are truly happy on your own, you will NEVER AGAIN associate with people who make you feel worse.

If you are currently in a narcissistic relationship then I have news.

That person is not going to change. Even though they are very good at persuading you that they are.

But YOU are able to change.

And remember:

–It is NOT OK to be disrespected.

–It is NOT OK to stay in a relationship that is sapping your energy and your light.

Healthy love BUILDS YOU UP. It doesn’t knock you down.

I have also learnt something else through my years of narcissistic abuse.

It’s something my psychotherapist and I disagree on.

It’s the question of whether or not you should say something as an outsider.

She believes there is no point telling someone they are with a narcissist because they won’t be able to receive it.

They may even turn against you because they are being so manipulated.

I hear this a lot in spiritual circles too.

“Everyone is on their journey.”

BULLSHIT.

If we really care for others and if we really want to fight the darkness that is so potent in the world right now, I believe we have a duty to SPEAK OUT.

If we want to heal the world, then it starts in our communities.

It starts with our friends. With our families.

It is our DUTY.

I am grateful to my dad when he expressed his concern for me during my abusive relationship in 2021. His words eventually helped me see clarity.

That’s why I always make a point now of telling my friends and family when they are being disrespected.

What would be the point of suffering all these years if I am then unable to pay it forward?

Yes it’s scary.

But being rooted in your own truth is EMPOWERING.

And my inner child is held, as I am now the friend that I needed during my own years of abuse.

I hope this newsletter was helpful to you.

If you have been or are in a similar situation, I would love to hear from you.

Wishing you a beautiful weekend.

Love from Abbey xxx

The post More Adventures with a Narcissist first appeared on Abbey Sykes.

The post More Adventures with a Narcissist appeared first on Abbey Sykes.

I was sitting 21 floors above the beach in my swanky Barcelona office.

Midway through interviewing a candidate for a role within our company, my imposter syndrome was rearing its ugly head.

It didn’t make sense.

I had a great job.

I lived in a great city.

I had a great social life.

So why was I feeling so uncomfortable?

I’d experienced a similar feeling a few times in my life. But there was something extra toe curling about this particular occasion.

This discomfort quickly began getting worse.

And the more I tried to hide it, the stronger it began.

During the interview I started to feel very uncomfortable. I began to sweat. I felt my face getting redder and redder.

I could hear the clock ticking and wondered why this interview was taking so long.

The tone of my own voice was higher than usual and sounded ridiculous.

I hoped the candidate couldn’t tell that I was a fraud and didn’t know what I was talking about.

Were my sentences even making sense?

I knew that the the head of IT who was sitting in on the interview thought I couldn’t do my job.

Fast forward 15 minutes.

As the interview ended, the Head of IT came up to me, smiled and said “great find, Abbey. Let’s hire him.”

I felt relieved that I had managed to survive a moment longer without being discovered for the fake I really was.

It felt surreal that my experience of the interview had been so different from his.

The whole situation made my toes curl up.

HOW DID HE NOT NOTICE?!

This disparity between what I and others experienced in the same moment is what finally made me go and see a psychologist.

What is Imposter Syndrome?

If you have ever experienced Imposter Syndrome, then you will have felt the hot cloud of shame flood your insides.

It is a debilitating condition that causes great anxiety. It doesn’t allow you to recognise your own abilities and success, despite being high-performing on the outside. This condition often leaves you feeling like a “fraud” or a “fake”, terrified of being “found out”.

The pain of that May time experience left me feeling

disconnected

hyper vigilant

anxious

worthless

I had no idea that it is a common experience that happens to many people.

If I had known that perhaps I wouldn’t have thought there was something wrong with me.

Giving voice to my Imposter Syndrome

Imposter Syndrome is tightly bound with shame.

Shame gets us by the jugular, by going for the most vulnerable parts of us.

Since shame is a controlling device, we will do anything to avoid feeling that shame. Including pretending the thing that is shaming us doesn’t exist.

This is why it is so hard to talk about.

I thought that if I gave voice to it, it would become more REAL.

When in reality, the opposite was true.

By SPEAKING about it, I was able to loosen its grip over me.

What’s more, I realised that this “Imposter Syndrome” is a completely normal reaction for someone living a life not meant for them.

It’s a response to being in an environment that goes against ones values, health and emotions. (You can read about the consequences of working a job I was never aligned with in my previous newsletter here.)

And not only that, but that in fact Imposter Syndrome is a SUPER POWER.

Say what?!

Yes, that’s right, a super power.

I saw clearly how Imposter Syndrome was my body showing me the way.

It was physically reacting to what deep down wasn’t right for me.

And if I didn’t listen…my body just started screaming louder and louder until I did.

This was a game changer!

As I started to follow my internal compass, I began to learn so much about myself.

–I work better alone…so why was I working in an office?

–I am incredibly creative… so why was I working at a computer with an excel?

— I am an achiever (according to the Gallup strength finder – buy the book with built in assessment here) so why would I work for a company that caps my achievement?

As I started to unlearn my conditioning, I began to discard so many ideas that had prevented me from accessing my true north

That the only “right” job was working 0900-0500

That having a stable income was the most important

That it was safer to work for somebody else rather than myself.

And when I realised none of that was true I realised we´ve been lied to.

I mean, how “right” is a job that makes you question your mental stability?

How “safe” it is working for a company that can fire you at any minute?

How “stable” is an income from a company that may make cuts whenever they please?

Moving on from Corporate

In February 2020 I made the decision to leave corporate to follow my dream of becoming a Coach.

I enrolled in a Masters in Leadership, Emotional Intelligence & Coaching at EAE Business School.

At this point I had not even considered that music would be an equally big part of my path.

But as the cage started coming off and my wings started unfurling, things became clearer.

My passions started to show themselves.

But I want to be real about this change.

It wasn’t easy.

—I hated my Coaching Masters at EAE Business School and didn´t feel connected with the heavy focus on business content or the people.

—My under-active thyroid and Hashimoto’s Autoimmune Disease were causing me major issues. I was feeling confused, exhausted and hostile towards everyone.

—I started going out with a Narcissistic partner who persuaded me to let him manage my money. Investing in crypto and Anahata, I lost hundreds of thousands of euros.

But I believed in a better life than the one I was leaving behind.

I believed in waking up every day feeling energised, clear headed and eager to get on with my day.

I believed in starting my day not feeling like an Imposter in my own life.

I believed in getting paid even more than corporate by working for myself and doing what I love.

And so I made a commitment to myself.

The Committment

When I first started my Singing Circles in Barcelona only 3 people came.

But I showed up every week, because I believed that with consistency and passion I could create the life of my dreams.

I had a vision of the life I wanted. I had clarity on the purpose I was here to unfold. I stuck to both of those things.

I invested tens of thousands of euros in my own self development.

From Coaching, to Psychotherapy, to Tony Robbins, to Plant Medicine, to Biodescodification, to Sound Healing.

All this so that I could break away from the chains of what I believed was possible.

So I could create a life that was deeply fulfilling.

Some days I doubted.

Some days I got so distracted.

Some days I thought I’d never get there.

But remembering the pain of my Imposter Syndrome and what it had taught me kept me going.

And so I continued. Step by step.

And the result?

—I have recorded an album!! (i had to put exclamation marks because the old Abbey would never ever have dreamed this)

—I have moved to the countryside

—I have created a thriving coaching business

—I work with aligned clients who are seeing huge transformation in their lives

—My relationship with my family is better than ever

—My 3 passion – music, medicine and coaching has become an ecosystem that feed itself.

—I work from anywhere I want.

—And most importantly, I am happy.

Does this mean my life is sorted?

Absolutely not.

I am still working to forgive my narcissistic ex partner.

I have severe PMS and want to kill everything and everything in my sight for around a week a month

I still have moments of doubt & insecurity becuase I’m HUMAN.

But I know that the best way to move through those is to continue working towards my goals – to take the next smallest step in order to move the needle.

To Summarise

Life is not easy. But it’s a great deal easier when you are living your passion.

It’s hard to commit daily to your own growth. It’s a hell of a lot harder not to.

It’s scary to invest money in your own self development. It’s much scarier to feel regret 10 years down the line.

You have to believe in a life that you really want to live.

You have to believe in how you really want to feel.

You have to believe that you can find what it is that you are on this planet to do.

Because when you find it your whole life changes.

If you suffer from Imposter Syndrome and are ready to transform it into a super power, then here are 3 easy steps you can take today:

1) Write down in which situations you feel like an Imposter. Allow yourself to really feel the discomfort. 

2) Write down where you are not being authentic with yourself. Something makes you feel like an Imposter because you are PRETENDING. What are you pretending?

3) If you didn’t have to pretend anymore, what would you rather be doing? If you are unsure ask yourself “what would my friends say I am very picky with?”

I hope this newsletter inspired you to leave behind what causes you harm and suffering and move towards what you know deep down you are here to do.

Love from Abbey xxx

p.s. – if you want support to step into your power, passion and purpose, I have a few spots open to work with 1-on-1 clients so get in touch and let’s schedule a time to talk.

The post How Imposter Syndrome transformed my life first appeared on Abbey Sykes.

The post How Imposter Syndrome transformed my life appeared first on Abbey Sykes.

My friends got me. But many people didn’t.

I remember one friend saying people either loved me or hated me.

I didn’t like that. I wanted everyone to love me. We’ll come back to that point later.

Many people thought I was weird. But they said it with a smile as if there was something that amused them about my wierdness.

It took me 20 years to figure out why that was.

As you get older you start to appreciate weirdness as uniqueness and authenticity

But when you’re younger you don’t want to stand out too much.

Standing out is dangerous incase:

• you’re rejected from the crowd
• people judge you for being different
• the bullies come after you.

But even so, I couldn’t help feeling distinct from my peers.

• I didn’t like wearing makeup like all the other girls
• I wasn’t interested in going clubbing
• I’d rather practise the piano than go out and get drunk
• Eating certain foods would leave me feeling very depleted
• I didn’t like loud crowds of big groups of people

But I did these things anyway.

I wanted to fit in.

It’s only with hindsight that I realise I was always Highly Sensitive as a child.

To light

To loud noise

To chemicals

To gluten/lactose

To others’ discomfort

To criticism.

This brought up a lot of shame.

It was difficult being Highly Sensitive in a society that indoctrinates you that eating junk food, buying the latest gadget and drinking alcohol every night are what you should desire.

Luckily for me, my quirkiness also manifested as humour. This helped me out in many situations.

I used it to hide my High Sensitivity. I thought that was a bad thing that would leave me very vulnerable to attack.

It enabled me to stand up to the bullies.

Being funny is a gift because you can say things in a way that is very palatable. You can say things in a way and that even brings joy to the tormenter wishing to inflict pain.

But it’s also a hindrance.

I was unable to have a serious conversation because of my need to make a joke

I was unable to be a supportive partner because I was looking for every situation to be hilarious.

Just like Chandler from Friends, I was using humour as a defence mechanism to protect myself from the pain of reality.

My Awakening

When I had my Awakening in February 2020 (see article about my Awakening here) I saw the mechanics of my mind in full play and I rejected them.

I saw the way I used humour to deflect. As a result I began to associate humour WITH deflecting.

I also saw how many people use humour at the EXPENSE of someone else.

I started to think humour was a bad thing.

At around the same time I did an online personal development course called LANDMARK.

It was deeply damaging.

Over the course of a weekend it brainwashed us into disconnecting with our emotions or the emotions of other people so that we could be “free”.

It taught us not to react.

And the effect on me was that I began to think that it was weak to display normal human reactions.

I tried to erase parts of my personality that I thought were “bad” and only keep the parts that were “good”.

I created an avatar of myself that I thought would be more acceptable in spiritual circles.

And the result?

• I became very vanilla
• I lost my sparkle
• I didn’t want to express an opinion
• I didn’t want to offend anyone
• I tried to “get rid” of negative emotions like anger
• I became very serious

And the consequences?

• I fell into a Dark Night of the Soul
• People took advantage of me
• My health deteriorated
• I attracted a narcissist into my life
• I started a project that was never my dream and lost thousands
• I went against my friends and family

This phase lasted around 3 years.

So what changed?

With hindsight, I was always doing the work that would bring me back on track.

But I was fast-tracked back into reality with the failure of my studio, Anahata.

I think the BIGGEST lesson was having everything crumble apart and being forced to recognise that my life wasn’t working.

That this was not the way.

I learnt that it’s all very well trying to be all spiritual and sing for love and light. But, but when you have a centre that’s making huge loses, whose going to pay the bills!?

Not Shiva or Shakti…

Recognising my humanness, my fragility & my failure humbled me.

It brought me to my knees.

My biggest fear was failure because deep down I thought it would lead to abandonment.

But recognising that I was supported by friends and family DESPITE my failure changed something in me.

I realised that to fail was to be human.

And that to be human was to be loved.

If I could still be loved by others in my weakest moment, then I could love myself.

And loving myself meant loving EVERY part of myself.

My light and my darkness.

My good and my bad.

And from that moment on I was able to start embracing my weirdness again.

It didn’t happen overnight.

But slowly….

I started to smile again… I started to make jokes again…

And life began to look up.

I started seeing a Coach to create my online Coaching Business. This was single handedly the BIGGEST process of personal transformation I have ever experienced.

Around this time I also took a Strength Test (by Gallup – available on Amazon) and it blew my breath away.

I realised that parts of myself that I had been trying to “erase” were actually my strengths.

This was a game changer.

Before I thought I needed to sit and meditate away my need to achieve and be highly productive. Whereas after, I realised that being a HIGH ACHIEVER is an integral part of who I am.

By embracing these parts of myself I have able to create my day in a way that is conducive to my creativity. By using the first hours of the day when my energy is strongest to create and write, and the afternoon hours to coach and practise music.

My drive has increased because my commitment and consistency to my creativity is paying off and I’m seeing the results.

It’s like a self-feeding machine.

How does my weirdness inspire the content I create?

I receive a lot of compliments on the content I create on Instagram, especially the funny videos.

These videos were the brainchild of two things:

1) The Coaching I received from my coach Jeff Agostinelli

2) Accepting all parts of me, ESPECIALLY my inner weirdness.

In particular:

-the part of me that like to speak in different voices

-the part of me that secretly wants to be an actress

-the part of me that secretly wants to be a stand up comedian

-the part of me that feels ANGRY at incoherence

-the part of me that is obsessed by rhythm and melody

More than anything, my creativity came about by allowing myself to be ME. This meant laughing at myself instead of trying to be some spiritual person up on a pedestal.

A lot of the videos are me ridiculing myself for the times I have SAID AND DONE all of the spiritual nonsense I poke fun at in my videos.

The result?

• I am HAPPY because I don’t have to hide parts of myself anymore.
• My CREATIVITY is on fire because the energy that I used to consume in HOLDING MYSELF BACK and PRETENDING TO BE SOMEONE I WASN’T has been freed up.
• I am creating SOULFUL, DEEP CONNECTIONS because I am being myself rather than some holier-than-though social media guru.
• I am attracting aligned clients for my online coaching business
• I have created regular, sold-out Heart Singing Circles in Barcelona (join my next one here)
• I have recorded my first album, out in February 2024!

This is why I come back to failure and humility as being the biggest teachers. Once you fail you don’t have anything to fear. You see first hand that the sun still rises, you are still breathing and people still love you.

You learn from living what you DONT want what is really important to you.

And for me that is peace, health and happiness.

And now I feel blessed to have been able to find a path that accepts and uses all the parts of me:

• The sensitive part: to support other Highly Sensitive people through coaching
• The musical part: to lead singing circles and record my album
• The funny part: to make content out of the way I see life to touch people’s hearts.
• The wise part: to share my life experiences in this newsletter and see it growing week by week

And finally understood what my friend meant when she said “some people love you, others hate you”.

She was giving me the greatest compliment of all.

She was saying that I was AUTHENTIC.

And the price of authenticity is that some people won’t get you.

And that’s OK. It´s supposed to be like that.

It’s called POLARISATION.

The more authentically you express yourself, the more some people will be attracted to you and others will be repelled by you.

And the people who are attracted to you, they will be there for life!

When I was 16 I couldn’t understand why some people wouldn’t like me and some would love me. I wanted everyone to love me.

Back then I didn’t understand the rules of the game.

Now, every video that I post on Instagram, I lose around 10 followers. And I gain even more because the people who vibe with me share my reels and their friends add me.

Now I understand.

Summing It Up

Allowing yourself to express yourself freely is important.

Not only for you, your happiness and your health.

But also for others.

There is nobody else on this Earth with your uniqueness. There is nobody else on this entire planet exists who has your DNA and who has had your life experiences. The way that you understand the world and make sense out of it is EXACTLY the way somebody else needs to hear it in order for it to make sense for them.

By more radically embracing your authenticity and WEIRDNESS, you are going to help others who need your medicine.

So find your unique expression. AND TURN THE VOLUME UP.

If you are looking to get in touch with your inner weirdness and create what you are here to create, the following 3 questions may help you:

1) How were you different from other kids when you were younger?

2) What things kill your natural sparkle but you do them anyway?

3) What part of you have you been hiding in case you are rejected?

And if you feel like sharing them with me, I would love to hear from you!

I hope this helps!

Wishing you a beautiful week ahead.

Love from Abbey xxx

P.S: I have a couple of spots open for 1:1 coaching. If you are looking to unleash your inner creativity to find out what your purpose is and how to bring it to life, then I have a 12 step programme just for you. Book a time to chat here

The post How accepting my inner weirdness improved my creativity first appeared on Abbey Sykes.

The post How accepting my inner weirdness improved my creativity appeared first on Abbey Sykes.

That we choose our suffering before we incarnate in order to learn the lessons we need to learn.

I am not disputing what our souls may or may not decide before we are born.

What I AM warning of is the danger of using the shadow side of this belief to stay in situations that ultimately are causing us harm. Read my past article on the dangers of spiritual new age positive thinking here.

I used to buy into this belief.

The result is that I struggled to take about my experience with a narcisst because:

-I didn’t want to speak badly about anyone

-I didn’t want to play the victim

-I believed it was necessary for my growth

The truth is there ARE victims in this world.

And then there are perpretrators.

These are two sides of the same coin.

In order to move out of this dynamic you first have to SEE and UNDERSTAND the mechanics at play.

In this newsletter I wish to talk about a particularly nasty flavour of perpetration called NARCISSISM.

Narcissism is hard to spot and hard to pin down for the following reasons:

–narcissists are very charming

–narcissists are very good at logic and justification

–narcissists don’t show their real side to anyone else but you

They are hard to spot because they are adept at making THEMSELVES out to be the victim of something they perpetrated.

Narcissism is a difficult one to manage because you are brain washed into thinking that everything that narcissist says and does is right.

Meaning that YOU are always wrong.

It sounds ridiculous when you have not been through it yourself.

It sounds ESPECIALLY ridiculous that it can happen to strong, powerful, independent women.

In the meantime these people wreak havoc on your life and relationships, and tell you that you are to blame for it.

It´s very difficult for me to speak about, even years afterwards, because of the brain washing that I received.

But there were clear signs:

• love-bombing
• sudden, extreme changes of temperament
• saying one thing with conviction and later saying the opposite
• believing that they are RIGHT and everyone else is “stupid”
• using logic and “double binds” to make you wrong.
• Talking the talk but not walking the walk
• Holding you up to impossible standards which they don’t follow themselves.
• Making you dependent on them to take any decisions

I thought I would celebrate my 2.5 years of being free from narcissists by sharing my short, intense, devastating story of dating a first class narcissist.

My story of a narcissist

I met by ex partner in summer 2020 at a retreat.

The way we met was so magical.

He was spiritual, musical and into coaching, just like me.

He had curly hair and played the drum.

I thought I had met my soul mate.

After the retreat he came back to mine to stay for a few days until he got his flight back to the UK at the end of the week.

He never went back and that’s how we ended up living together, a mere 5 days after we met.

At first everything was great. I remember thinking I’d finally found someone that loved me in the way I needed to be loved.

The compliments came thick and fast.

He was charming, attentive and said all the right things.

I thought this was it. True love.

I didn’t realise it had nothing to do with love.

I was actually being groomed by a technique narcissists use to win you over.

I remember very clearly the first time things started to change.

We were in Ibiza and his mood changed VERY suddenly. He was a completely different person. He was very angry and he blamed me because I hadn’t wrapped a cable in the way he wanted.

Because it came out of the blue and I’d been spoken in the same way in the past, I blamed myself and thought this anger was warranted.

I didn’t realise that I had a pattern of attracting narcissists into my life.

Submitting to him was the start of the downward spiral.

He violated many boundaries and manipulated many situations to make himself the victim and me the perpetrator.

Here are 3 examples of him turning things around on me:

1) Disrespecting my rules. He would leave food on the floor. When I told him that was not OK he went to a lot of trouble to persuade me that I needed to relax and chill out. I believed him (even though he had been living in my home just 2 weeks). He even persuaded me that I needed to do a 3 day Vipassana in my room (where I had to be in silence and meditate…but he would come in every day to talk to me whenever he was bored).

2) Making me feel there was something wrong with me. I’m usually up at 6am so when I came into my own bedroom needing something he would tell me I was too much and that it was stressing him out. (…after living in my home for just 2 weeks).

3) Terrorising my pets. He would chase my cats around the house until they were terrified. When I told him this was not OK he turned it around on me saying I needed to support him rather than judge him. He ignored my boundaries and did it again. The next time, seeing that my cat had defected on the kitchen floor out of fear, was the final straw. I was able to connect with my righteous anger.

But still things were declining.

I started to become very confused.

He told me I wasn’t remembering things correctly.

He persuaded me to think that I wasn’t good with people.

I remember thinking “I used to be so good with people…what has changed?”

He made me think that all my decisions were wrong and that I needed to consult him before talking any decision.

Whenever someone spoke to me badly he would agree with them, giving me no empathy and listing all the reasons why I was in the wrong.

Things went from bad to worse when he started involving himself in my finances. He persuaded me that it was stupid to have my life savings in a fund and that I should hand a large amount over to him to invest in crypto. He would be my crypto manager.

He was 26 and had no experience in crypto.

So I handed it over because I TRUSTED him so implicitly.

He had promised to manage it and I had believed him.

But then every time I asked how it was doing or to see it, he would talk back with frustration and resentment. He told me it was my job to make him sit down and look and it.

Around the same time we had the idea to open up a “spiritual centre”. The initial plan was to have a small place to play music and do some shamanic activities.

The idea quickly grew as each commercial space we looked around got bigger and bigger.

Eventually the idea got so big we realised we would have to bring other facilitators on board to lead the classes.

His idea was that we were creating a community that would eventually buy land and be self sufficient.

I wasn’t so excited by the idea but I just wanted to do what he wanted to do.

I had him on a pedestal thinking that he KNEW the way and that I didn’t.

Very soon after Jenny came onboard to join the founding team and help us with Finances (although she ended up supporting with much more than that).

And that’s how Anahata was born. But at this point it had a different name: Temple of Ra.

I put all the investment into the project.

Despite this, he persuaded me and Jenny that he needed to have a monthly salary because he was the CEO. We didn’t get anything.

He told me I couldn’t be involved in the interior design because I had no experience and I would slow the project down. So he brought a friend of a girl he met on a dating app to do that. And expected them both to be paid (from my investment).

During the renovation I started to feel something wasn’t right. Our chief engineer, Dani, messaged me to ask if everything was OK because he hadn’t received an answer from my partner for 10 days.

The rent of Anahata was 4k a month, so not moving on with the project for over a week was a loss of over 1K.

I felt this deeply because I was the sole investor.

When I asked him why he hadn’t replied he said “there is nothing to reply to”.

At that point I realised that things were taking a drastic downward turn.

He started paying a business coach 300€/hour. Apparently she connected with the universe to say if something was a right or wrong decision. Every small decision, including the placement of lightbulbs, he needed to check with her.

Everything was spiralling out of control.

In summer 2021 we went to the Rainbow Gathering. On the way back he started screaming at me, calling me his “doormat” and other abusive terms.

At that point something clicked inside of me.

I told him he was getting out at the next town.

I left him in a carpark and told him to make his own way home.

He kicked the car door and refused to return my ipad.

In that moment that pedestal came crashing down.

I saw him for what he was -a scared little boy – and I drove away.

It was on that drive home, having just broken up with the project´s father, that the name Anahata came to me.

I wanted everything we did to be heart based.

The next day I met with Jenny and asked if she would be up for carrying on the project just the two of us.

She absolutely did.

And that is how Anahata was born.

What did I learn from being with a Narcissist?

Those 11 months were tough and I am grateful to have come out the other side.

I saw 3 things about myself; some things that need to change, and somethings that remind me how strong I am.

1) I saw the pattern I have of justifying staying in situations that are harming me because “it’s good for my growth”. I realise that, yes, it was good for my growth, but only AFTER I had seen it and had extracated myself from the sitation.

2) I have a well of inner strength! As soon as I saw what was happening, I was able to walk away. EVEN THOUGH he was the person I (believed) I loved most in the whole world. I´ll always be grateful to be inner strength and the courage it took me to do that and to be firm that he would not be part of Anahata anymore.

3) I saw afterwards that the signs were all around me, I just didn’t want to listen to them. There were so many signs – from things people said, to changes in my own temperament, to the way people reacted to him. I just wasn’t in a place to accept it.

And that brings me to the most important question of this newsletter.

Just because someone is not in a place to hear something you have to say, does it mean you shouldn’t say something to them?

There is an argument that everyone is on their own journey. That we shouldn’t interfere and that they are learning the lessons they came here to learn.

After everything I have lived through, I actually believe that to be a very damaging belief.

It justifies us not having the difficult conversations.

It justifies us not taking action to support others when they are vulnerable.

And if taken to its macrocosmic conclusion, it justifies us staying silent during a genocide.

I have a friend who is with a narcissist and I didn’t say anything at the time. I regret that so much now. I see how much they are suffering, how much their health has declined and how worried their families are.

I wish I had said something.

Not to be right or even because I believe I could have even changed the situation.

In fact I genuinely think she would NOT have been able to receive my words and would have got angry.

But I wish I would have said it anyway so that in her moments of doubt, in her moments of questioning, she would have had one voice that she trusted in her mind saying “this is not OK.”

We live and learn.

My psychologist always tells me one thing about Narcissicism.

She tells me that ultimately labels don’t serve for anything.

And she’s right.

A person can know they are with a narcissist and accept that about them.

Another person can witness the suffering that a Narcissist creates and enable and justify that destructive behaviour.

It’s not so much about the label.

But about connecting with how that person makes you feel.

Do you like the way they talk to you?

Do you like the way they treat you?

If the answer is no, then something needs to change.

And you have the power to do that.

The first step is to SEE it.

I hope this article was useful to you.

Wishing you a beautiful weekend,

Abbey

The post How narcissistic abuse healed me first appeared on Abbey Sykes.

The post How narcissistic abuse healed me appeared first on Abbey Sykes.